To hear me shouting at my youth
I need a way to sort it out.
After I die, I’ll re-awake,
Redefine what was at stake
From the hindsight of a god.
Woke up
Took meds
Friend picked me up
Went to Surry Hills and into a shop
Bought a ring
Went for lunch
Went for cupcakes & champers
Went to Bondi Junction for a spot of shopping
Went home
Dressed up
Waited for a call
Went to Bavarian Bier Cafe for dinner
Stopped waiting for the call
Decided to let it go and leave 2012 behind
Had dinner
Lined up for a very long time
Got into gig venue
Lined up for drinks for a very long time
Started drinking
Started dancing
Got pushed around by heaps of people
Lined up for drinks for a very long time
Drank more
Danced more
Danced like crazy
Got touched alot
Danced like crazy
Perspired like crazy
Danced crazily
Got touched alot
Perspired crazily
Danced danced danced
Left gig venue
Got on a cab
Declined cab driver’s advice to go home
Reached Coogee Bay Hotel
Drank and talked boys
Got a pie
Ate a pie
Took a sip of a random stranger’s milkshake
Talked to a couple of random strangers
Stole a Sunday paper
Got on a cab
Reached home
Showered
Crashed, totally smashed
#fucktheworldallineedismusic
today scared me. it brought to reality that i always feared - that i wasn’t good enough, that i couldn’t do it and that i will not be secured.
i feel so sad that i want to just sit and cry. but i’m too exhausted to do so.
and yet here i am, sitting and watching TV - just because i refuse to sleep. i refuse to sleep as it brings the next day, which brings me one more day of being clueless and in limbo.
i really don’t know what to do now. i really don’t understand why it’s not working out. even worse, i don’t understand why so many things are happening to distract me from this - the most important aspect that i need to sort out now.
i’ve been declaring daily, out of faith, out of helplessness, because i really can’t see a way out of this.
i’m just so tired.
i see the good - if i was in NY as i had planned, i would be stuck in the hurricane now.
so what’s next?
what should i do?
this is so freaking ridiculous how shit i feel right now. i need to talk to someone but there just isn’t anyone that seem right to talk with at this time. i hate getting into this valley again but it seems that my life has just been up and down recently - mostly down and the only time i am on an up is when i get delusional and just forget the shit that worries me. i get on with my life but time is just slipping away and nothing is progressing. the most important thing in my life right now just isn’t working out and other distractions only serve to make me feel falsely secure.
but even so, the other distractions have become yet another reason to get me down and it’s just not worth it at all
i’m going to choose to go into hibernation and just avoid everyone. i hate how when i’m just minding my own business, i am so wanted….but there are days when i am so unwanted and no matter how much initiative i take, it just doesn’t work. today is just one of those days.
this feeling really hurts me as i just keep avoiding sleep. i am just so tired right now but i just refuse to go to bed. just indulging in the realm that music brings me into, the realm where everything stands still and nothing matters at all.
Merseyside United. YNWA.
Some things transcend rivalry.
At Goodison Park this evening, Everton paid respect to the victims of the Hillsborough disaster with one of classiest gestures we’ve seen. In 1989, 96 Liverpool supporters died as a result of a crush in an overcrowded section of Hillsborough stadium. Tonight Everton showed that - despite a century-long rivalry with their cross city enemies - the whole world is with Liverpool FC in remembering those who were lost. Bravo.
So yes 48 days past the big three-oh (and last post) and unfortunately it is not possible to say that i have propelled into the realm of positivity and greatness of life.
I’ve been rather productive, although it hasn’t been to my own benefit. The Open Day is only about 2 weeks away and I’ve been working my ass off to get it done. Not even sure why I bother as it’s been driving me to exhaustion. Just getting the work done and coming straight home to look for a job and still trying to have a life (for some reason, social engagements have been happening non-stop) doesn’t leave me with much time to just be me - which is quite good in a way as it doesn’t leave me with much time to just dwell on how much my life sucks.
Every now and then tho, my failure to always fall asleep catches up with me and as I made up my mind to leave after the Open Day was done (i didn’t have much to do anyway after), I realised with a massive panic that I didn’t have another plan and way to get money and I wasn’t going to make rent. I had such a major attack of fear that I couldn’t get to sleep until almost 6 am. What really pushed me over as well was accidentally receiving the details of me not getting a bonus for the last FY. That was big blow number 1. Big blow number 2 was the comments made by Senior Management thinking that I didn’t perform well at all. Fuck you very much. I work my arse off doing shit for all of you and just because I don’t copy the whole damn world in the things I do, nobody sees all the shit i cop. Disappointingly and not surprisingly, the direct GM’s comments was just bull-fucking-shit. So definitely done with all of them.
The funniest thing would be the guy who was supposed to take over my role quitting last week with his one week’s notice. This is definitely going to leave them in the lurch and I’m feeling gleeful in a way. Perhaps this would give people an idea of what I actually do and that I actually do important work.
It’s been disappointment after disappointment looking for a job. Even positions that I thought I was a sure thing actually deem me unsuitable. I couldn’t even get a freaking interview. These positions come up and I thought it was a sure sign of God paving the way for me. And yet……It really got me down as it was such a massive slap in the face. The lack of self-worth was so strong and I truly believe that I wasn’t ever going to get anywhere and that it was a freaking illusion that I thought I was great at my job and that I had a great resume.
There is a bright spark tho - I saw a connection linking to one of my connections on LinkedIn and checked out her PR agency and I sent one of my cold-call emails. Amazingly enough, she wrote back and we had a phone interview. A face-to-face meeting was then set up and it went quite well. On the phone interview, she did tell me that I basically had to “catch and kill your own”. As such, before I met her, I did up a list of companies that I had connections with that could be potential clients. The meeting went well but I didn’t get a job guarantee. She explained further that she was looking for someone to do business development as well in bringing in the right clients. A massive part of me is afraid that I would fail and not be able to get any clients at all. It would be such a big obvious failure in a small PR agency seated right next to the big boss.
Interestingly, I received a call the other day from a company who had received my resume from someone who interviewed me for a position. I didn’t take up the position as it was too junior for me and the interviewer knew that it wouldn’t do justice to what I wanted for my next step in a career. It is really quite amazing - the favour I found - he subsequently sent on links for positions that he thought I was suitable for as well as the contact of a recruiter whom he knew was looking. Anyhow, this company is a strategic communications agency and it seems really interesting. I am leaning more towards the PR agency tho, as it’s something that I really really want to do. However, the strategic communications agency seem more stable and I may be more confident of the work. A meeting has been set up this coming Tuesday and I guess I will be find out more about what kind of position they have in mind for me.
My ultimate plan B is working behind the bar - finally taking my RSA last weekend was a big step and the next one will be to actually go up to a bar and ask for work. Thankfully I found someone who would be willing to go work with me so it’s going to be great to have a friend there. It is kinda exciting.
Having all these plans in place gives me some sort of stability and keeps me sane. This is such an important part of my life that I need to keep stable.
It’s just been pretty full on having to keep all these together and I have been avoiding all the friends in Sg bc I just feel that none of them will understand the shit that I’m going through and I just don’t think it will help anyone to hear all my shit.
On the other end of the spetrum of shit - i have never had so many douche cross my path in my life. the stories aren’t even worth writing about but i have chalked up so many regretful moments in my life in the past year or so.
while this is something not worth my life or my time, i am glad to just get it out and one night when i’m feeling lonely, i can come back and read and remember what i was trying to avoid - because i’m really better than this.
So the dirty thirties came, hit me and left just like that yesterday. uneventful and unremarkable.
i had gone to bed really late the night before watching the wimby finals and was pretty stoked to see Federer win it - at the age of 30 going on 31. Sign?
struggled to wake up early the next morning to go for a boudoir/artistic nude photoshoot that i had booked in. i sorely needed a pick me up and i had toyed with this idea sometime back, especially now when i am rather satisfied with my figure.
this wasn’t my first choice photographer but he still had a decent portfolio. unfortunately i didn’t think he was that great in terms of engaging me as a subject and thinking of creative ideas for the shoot. i wasn’t in love with the hair and make up as well as i never thought the smoky look suited me. what made the shoot worse was the fact that it was freezing in the studio and i was mostly in the state of undress. it was bloody hard work having to work in front of the camera ensuring that there were emotions in the eyes and being conscious of not having any parts of your body look bad.
nevertheless, i still hoped that the results would be good.
after the shoot i went down to the beach for a quick lunch of salt & pepper calamari. the day was beautiful and the sun was out specially for me.
i went back home for a bit of a rest before heading out to dinner. had an original plan to have dinner at a really fancy restaurant alone as i didn’t have anyone special to be with. then, AT from LSY wanted to come down to have a nice dinner and night out, which of course made me stoked. however, he xxled on Sat saying that he couldn’t make it to Sydney as he had to work on Monday evening so i went back to my original plan. i then thought of having drinks after dinner with good friend, DB, so that it didn’t seem that sad. in the end, i told him that i was having dinner alone bc it was my birthday and he said that wanted to do dinner as well. so i had to downgrade to a less fancy but still good restaurant. it was a big ask as many restaurants do not operate on a monday.
i ended up at Christine Manfield’s Universal Restaurant.
there’s a bit of history between DB and I, even with a brief period of time where there was a misunderstanding (my fault) and we weren’t in contact. i’m glad we reconnected and do not feel weird with each other.
we ordered a braised rabbit dish and roasted ocean trout to share, ending off with a chocolate tart dessert. everything was lovely and worthy of the 2-hats rating.
the night wrapped up early and upon reaching home, i took out the V8 cake i bought over the weekend to celebrate my birthday.
it certainly wasn’t the way i would ever imagine my 30th birthday but i guess it could have been worst.
So yesterday was the big interview with LIO and it went well. I think. I got there nice and early still feeling slightly under the weather. Said my prayers on the way and just focused on being relaxed. I had bit of a meltdown the day before (called in sick and worked from home) but had a phone call from Jazzie who definitely gave me a morale boost. I may have lost a close friend recently but I’ll still do fine with those that are still around.
The interview started with the usual questions but my current role and went onto behavourial & skills based questions - asking for examples in certain scenarios (e.g a big project that required meeting critical timelines with a big result; achieve something using media contacts). I did manage to come up with pretty good responses almost immediately and I added in some extra information of interest just to spice things up and engage them. Next step would be to hear from them early next week for their second stage in their extensive recruitment process - pyschometric assessments online. All in His hands.
Today I met with a recruitment agency marketing & comms division manager. I had spoken to her on the phone a week before - she had gotten my resume from an application I sent in. It was a good and open session with her giving very useful advice for achieving my career objectives (read: dream and not just the usual sydey spiel). She had good contacts as well and I managed to get answers to questions that I’ve wondered about from a HR perspective. We parted with her having a list of organisations she wanted to contact on my behalf and me having to reformat my resume. Interestingly, she advised against me working in an agency esp in Sydney - too small, locked into certain silos and not being able to grow - things which I’m already aware of.
I took the bus to the recruitment agency and then took a train back to the office. I’ve never walked to the office from the train station before and it was a pretty alright walk. There was this bloke who also walked the same way as me and he was walking in front of me initially and then behind me when we had to stop at the lights. About two streets away from where i was turning off, he turned off and i was waiting for the lights again. Then he suddenly turned back and came towards me and said “excuse me, this is going to sound cheesy, but you are one of the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen.” He had a European accent, was not bad looking and about 25 or so. I smiled and said thank you to him, feeling a little ray of sunshine at that moment. I’ve encountered these quite a number of times and it always feels good even tho if I was Dr Brennan, I would probably think that the statement is inaccurate. This was abit of a curious case tho as I thought my gorgeous sunnies covered my face.
Anyhow, feeling good didn’t last long as an email work bomb arrived later in the evening. It didn’t make me feel OK even tho I learnt that almost everyone was getting shot at. It did make me feel more desperate to just get a new job.
Birthday fast approaching, less than enthusiastic celebration get together approaching even faster - absolutely not in the mood.
When I was a mere child, I never thought that turning 30 was so darn difficult. It seemed so far away then.
Just had a phone interview for the Head of Marketing Position in BESyd. Not quite sure how I did but the phone chat was definitely similar to a first round interview: current position, what are you looking for in your next role, management style, nature & set up of team, dealing with external contractors?
All in His hands.
